Those who have been with us a while may know that I endure depression and anxiety now and then. Thankfully it’s not like it was back in 1997-2001 when it was each and every day, but now it’s more when I get myself stressed to the point I have panic attacks, have a sudden shock, forget to take my medication regularly or drink too much caffeine.
I get symptoms that tend to start with my knee aching. That then leads on to having hot flushes as soon as we turn the light off at night to sleep, and then insomnia.
I’m now 43 years old, haven’t managed to have a baby as yet (we lost one back in 1997) and have tried ever since then with no luck and now I feel as if it’s too late. I emailed our local adoption service at the council and received an email back, worded as if I were a criminal that “you’ve had dealings with Social Services and we need to know what this was in connection with before we even talk to you” or words to that effect. That immediately took me by surprise because I personally have never had dealings with Social Services, however my mum has because of her dementia. So I emailed back explaining that I was my mothers carer etc and the other details and received an email back basically saying that if I have any illnesses and wasn’t “energetic” that my chances of adopting were nil. Doesn’t matter that both myself and Andy have enough love to care, they were more concerned by the fact that if I couldn’t care for my mother how would I expect to care for a child with possible behavioural issues. Erm… my mother is 5ft 6 and at the time took to swinging a 10lb concrete dog at me whenever she had the chance, not to mention calling the police if she didn’t get her way, and if I could cope with that for 3 years, I’m damn sure I could cope with a child who might actually have had, or have the same behavioural problems that I myself may have dealt with in the past. I had behavioural issues all the way through my childhood which were probably caused through the head injury I sustained in nursery, but don’t mind me, move along.
But anyway I’m drifting. The whole episode of that made me feel horrible about myself to say the least. Plus the fact I’m already worrying about my sister (she is having issues with her heart at the moment) so that’s adding to my anxiety. It just feels like it’s never ending.
Worrying and being anxious always seems to make me either eat more sweet food or drink more coffee – neither of those are good for me at all. Then the depression starts to creep in. This usually occurs 2 weeks before my period too – this is where I’m beginning to think it’s more hormonal that makes me deal with things in a different way?
My periods have never been that regular, but the last few years they’ve been more regular than when I were younger when they were so incredibly erratic I ended up in A&E thinking I may be bleeding to death one month when about six months worth came at once. So I definitely have hormonal issues.
OK, with me so far? So I’ve been pondering. Is it PMDD (Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder) whose symptoms seem pretty much spot on, especially with the devastating depression just before the period which in all honesty stops me in my tracks where I’m scared to move for fear of crying, dying, passing out or whatever it is at the time. Is it depression that I’ve been struggling with since 1997? Although I think this is more a severe depression which occurs once a month, and realistically I’ve coped with depression pretty much every day since 1997 although it has it’s moments. Is it menopause? I’m 43 now, I get night sweats, my nipples discharge a clear liquid on or around my period and I do have occasional dryness down there sometimes. Or what? I’ve been “reading on the internet” again this morning and it seems PMDD could be the cause, however it doesn’t happen each and every month, it has for the last couple of months but before that it was now and then. That could though be caused through losing weight when I felt amazing and nothing bothered me? All these thoughts go through my head, and so my brain never stops. It’s never ending. Until perhaps my period starts then I feel my whole body and mind just settle down. It’s literally like someone waves a magic wand over me, it really is!
While I’m writing this (in front of my light box for my SAD), grinding my teeth (I always seems to do that when I’m going through this bitch of a thing), I’m thinking about London Cheesecakes that Aldi/Lidl sell, and wondering when Andy will be back home (he’s taken Pea to the Puppy Parlour) AND also thinking about how I’ll feel tomorrow/tonight, trying to stop the bloody nerve twitching I get too when I deal with this. See it’s a mind full of mush and it’s happening to me a little too often now that I’m in two minds whether or not to ask for some kind of hormone replacement (which I don’t think they’ll give me as I’m morbidly obese still).
Bottom end of the line is: I HATE DEPRESSION. I hate the way it makes me feel, I hate the way it stops me in my tracks when I’m enjoying my life, it just drops itself from a great height to poop all over me and I’m fed up with it. It has no place in my life anymore and it’s about time I dealt with it. Diet day 3 now – I’m not giving up now as I want to beat it. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all that. We’ll see.
PMDD, Depression, Menopause or what?
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